BACHELOR RECAP: PIGMANIA  AND VARIOUS OTHER FORMS OF DERANGEMENT

Is Caila Weeping Material?

Ben needs to get to the bottom of this. 

Is Caila going to be his crying buddy?  Because every “getting to know each other” date should include the non-negotiable potential deal breaker question…..“Will you spend time crying with me”?  And it is even more imperative that this fundamental question of compatibility be posed by the male suitor. 

Ok Ben. 

I hear you. 

Caila’s smiling tendencies seem to be on overdrive.  Is there a real human under there who at times feels something other than happiness? 

Yes Ben.

There is.

There is a person who told you that she thinks that she will break your heart.  

Most likely while sporting a large, immovable, heartfelt smile.

And once she told you that she will likely chew you up and spit you out and confirm your biggest “I am unlovable” fear she quickly realized that perhaps she had committed a dangerous faux pas.  One that might cost her her Bachelor Champion dreams.  So she backpedaled and pretended that she never said that she would shatter your fragile heart.  And shockingly, in some twisted way, managed to convince you that what she really meant was that she was in love with you because she felt understood by you. 

Exsqueeze me?

Ben…..allow me to translate Caila’s not so veiled message;

‘Ben, you are way more into me than I am you; I will likely break your very vulnerable heart.  But in the meantime I really want to win this Bachelor Game – so I take that back – and I am going to talk inanely (which will be conveniently characterized as “endearingly confusing”) while I search for a way to strike those words (which shall send me packing) from the record.

I know.

I’ve got it.   

I’ll say that the real underlying issue is that I feel understood’.

Of course Caila. 

That makes perfect sense. 

Because feeling understood always leads to an inability to share and to a gnawing feeling that you will hurt the one person who finally understands you. 

Ben, Caila will not be your crying partner. 

She will be your crying maker.

Run.

With speed.

Leah

 

You were a surprise.

An unpleasant one.

You appeared sweet.

I even had sympathy for you when you did not get the one on one date with Ben.

For a while.

A little while.

And then sympathy turned to “please disconnect this woman’s mic”. 

And quickly your true colours began to emerge.

They were not warm, soft, pretty pastel colours.

They were dark, lying, vindictive colours.

While you were going on and on (and on and on and on and on) about the injustice of not being picked for the one on one date – your central point seemed to be that - you were absolutely irresistibly wonderful.  As you saw it….”He’s an idiot not to give me a chance”.  And if Ben gave you a chance and got to know you - he would fall madly in love.  Because to know you (in your mind) is to adore you.

Well Leah – we certainly did get to know you.

And the certain outcome you felt would be a natural by-product of getting to know you - was not. 

Quite the opposite.

You were a creeper villain – came out of nowhere and pounced – and your ability to lie, like Caila smiles, was deeply disturbing.  

May girls in your future treat you as you did them.   

Olivia 

Justice was served.

Your arrogant and condescending ways were unbearable.

The degree of your self-absorption bordered on personality disorderish.

Perhaps someone should gently inform you that conversing with fellow humans is a two way street. 

It appears that your “in tuneness with your body” overlooked your ears. 

You seem oblivious to their purpose. 

Pigmania

And last but not least.

A brief recommendation to the event planners at Bachelor Headquarters – and to their supervisors.

Please immediately enroll those employees who believed that a nightmare pig feeding frenzy would actually be a rip roaring good time into an intensive weekend workshop entitled “The Fundamentals of Fun; An in depth exploration of the essential differences between a good time and hell”. 

The Bachelor may be on the hook for single-handedly leading the Bahamas to complete bankruptcy.

Hope the island has sources of income other than tourism.   

Ben.

May the force be with you.

You seem to need it.